He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
a search helicopter?!
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
