wat bout pragnant strippers??
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She bit a glass in half.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
