I want to walk on stilts...naked
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
