I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
