I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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