my phone cant type all the emotion im having
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
