you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
