Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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