EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The best revenge is premature balding
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
