Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
