so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
