She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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