remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
