You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just took my morning after pill in the library
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
