The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
