Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
