I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
