I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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