It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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