We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
