I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dicks are not precious.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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