How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
