Sponge bath it is.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
