barbara walters just said penis...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
