this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize