I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
zippers are such a cool invention
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
