So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
