from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
