I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize