This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
