**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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