I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
