using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize