$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
