Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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