I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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