Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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