i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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