my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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