Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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