Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
