This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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