So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
