You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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