I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
