so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
