He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
