Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My vagina is very pro this idea
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
