On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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