yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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