Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
