I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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