If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
