I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
