I'm jealous of your bromance
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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