Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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