he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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