dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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